Love and Other Stupid Things
by Shrinking Heliotrope
Summary: Everything was fine for Tony until stupid Thor came sauntering in with his stupid handsome face and stupid attractive personality. Tony meant to never fall in love, but you know how well that goes in fiction... Tony/Thor T for Tony's language XD


A/N: Hi ^_^ Ok, so, uhm. This is my first time trying to write for Tony or Thor -_- I hope it's all right! I mean, I would hate to not do justice to such fucking cool characters, especially since I've read the comics since I was a kid XD So, I will take a chance and post it here ^_^

Basically, this is Reluctant!Tony/Thor: Tony falls for Thor and is _not_ happy about it XD

Thank you for reading! And please, tell me what you think, so I can improve characterisation of these guys ^_^

* * *

Tony really should've known it was a bad idea from the start.

No, like, really.

He'd read books. He'd seen movies. And he was old enough to know better.

It's got to be one of the oldest clichés—I mean, _Carmen_, anyone? Disney version of _Hercules_? Yeah.

If you do not want to fall in love, then you will fall in love with the last person you ever think you would.

Of course Tony was pretty much aware of that, on some level. But he'd thought he was safe, not being, you know, like, the protagonist or whatever. Worst comes to worst, he'd crush on Black Widow, fuck everything up, and cause mass destruction. Right? Right.

Wrong.

Very, _very_ wrong.

Natasha was hot, sure, but Tony didn't really fancy her, though he wasn't sure why. They were sort of allies, kind of.

Actually, he was sort of—ok, maybe, really and truly—becoming _friends_ with these weird people. It was almost like being part of a band of misfits, except that they were totally cool misfits who could fuck shit up.

But aside from fighting together, they did spend actual quality time together (particularly upon finding out that Steve had never seen a Bond film) and have real conversations sometimes.

It all lulled Tony into a false sense of security. His guard was let down without even realising it.

And then it happened.

More precisely, Thor happened.

At first they were just friends, sort of. Thor was a total weirdo but Tony thought that there was potential there for actual companionship. The guy was funny, in an inept sort of way, and he liked a good drink as much as anyone else, and was a good storyteller. Fun to be around, and stupidly good looking (hey, it never hurts to have beautiful friends), Tony was halfway down the creek before he realised he didn't have a paddle.

It wasn't like Thor even flirted with him or anything. They watched movies. They had drinks. Tony tried to teach him some stuff about robots (because robots are amazing), and Thor told him about Asgard and his family. They helped each other out in fights, and also in boring mundane stuff, they practiced sparring together, and once or twice made an expedition to the supermarket for a late-night snack.

Maybe that was the problem, though. Maybe these horrible… _feelings_ developed from, like, an actual friendship based on that mutual… uhm… what was that shit they said on talk shows? Whatever.

Point is, Thor really fucked things over for Tony, like a sneaky, insidious, evil Norse shadow. And, like, how could a guy that _noticeable_ do things so… unnoticeably? Totally unfair.

Just get a load of this:

Tony was minding his own business and not bothering anyone (for once). He was sitting quietly at the table with a deck of cards when Thor wandered in, poking his attractive nose where it did not belong.

'What are you doing, Tony?'

'Hm?' Tony looked up from his cards. 'Oh, hey, big guy. I'm playing solitaire.'

Thor sat down in the chair beside him. 'Solitaire?'

'Mm-hm. You put the cards in descending order, in every other color- red, black, red, black, like that, see? You want to play?'

'All right. How do I begin?'

'Here, I'll start over.' Tony shuffled the deck and lay the cards out again. 'Ok, so, see how the cards are here? You see what you can match up with what's here already. Then, see here, the deck of what's left- you put out three that you can use, and these,' he showed Thor an ace, 'go over here. You build up on these with _these_ cards, in ascending order. But I like to do the other part first. Got it?'

'I believe so,' Thor said, studying the cards carefully.

He took the three of hearts and put it on the four of spades. 'Like this?'

'Yup, just like that. Here, we'll take turns.' He matched an eight and a nine. 'Now you.'

'Hm...' Thor, seeing nothing matched, went to the deck. He started to take one of the three laid out.

'Wait, you can't do that,' Tony laughed, 'You have to use the top card before you can get to the others.'

'Ah. And if there is nothing?' He asked, since there wasn't.

'Then you shuffle out three more,' Tony said, doing just that.

Lo and behold, there was a two of clubs, and that joined the three of hearts.

'Gets pretty addictive, huh?' Tony asked after they had finished their fifth game in a row.

'Yes,' Thor laughed, 'I'm afraid I've lost track of time.'

'S'all right. If we have something to do, you can bet Steve will come and nag at us, like the good boy scout he is.'

'You always tease Captain America,' Thor observed.

'Yeah, well. That's what friends do. Tease each other for their shortcomings. That's how you tell the difference between friends and enemies, I think. Enemies exploit your weaknesses; friends just laugh their asses off at you.'

Thor smiled that sweet, dumb smile of his.

'I will remember that.'

Tony shrugged, to try to make himself not care.

* * *

The first thing Tony felt was throbbing in his head.

The second was warmth on his hand.

When he finally managed to open his eyes against the glaring hospital lights, he looked to his right to find the source of the mysterious warmth.

Sure enough, there was a big ol' paw resting on his hand, which connected to a muscular arm, which led to a very nice shoulder, which happened to belong to none other than the god of thunder.

Funny how those things work out.

Said god of thunder was dozing in a chair beside Tony's bed. That was a little weird.

More weird, however, and more importantly, was that he woke up in a hospital. 'Cause he did not fall asleep in a hospital, and waking up where you didn't fall asleep is always kind of disorienting.

'Hey,' Tony tried to call to Thor, but his throat was all scratchy and dry.

Fortunately, gods have good hearing. Thor roused pretty much instantly. When he realized that Tony was awake, his face transformed into a dazzling grin, and he squeezed Tony's hand a little too hard.

'You are conscious!'

'No kidding. What happened?'

Thor looked concerned. 'Do you not remember?'

'Wouldn't have asked if I did, big guy.'

'You suffered a grievous injury while we were slaying that creature. You are sure you don't remember?'

'Not really,' Tony said. 'Everything's kind of fuzzy.'

He was subjected to mournful blue eyes, which was more than he could take in his current situation. Which made him realize, hey, why the hell was Thor here anyway?

'Why the hell are you here anyway?'

Thor reverted to his confused face.

'Is it not Midgardian custom to sit with loved ones when they stay in the hospital?'

'Yeah, usually. Still doesn't explain why you are here.'

Thor's confused expression became _more_ confused.

'I don't understand, Tony. Are we not friends?'

'I mean,' Tony started. He wanted to make Thor go away, he didn't want to be seen like this, all weak and ridiculous and- he knew it was hypocritical but he couldn't - he didn't want-

'It's all right,' Thor soothed, and Tony felt sick and really weird. Possibly he was having another heart attack. Or at least palpitations.

'Just- go- where's Pepper?' He wanted Pepper, he knew Pepper, he could deal with Pepper.

'I believe she is speaking with the healer,' Thor said, turning to peer out the door to the hospital room.

'Can you get her?'

'Of course.' And Thor got up to do just that.

As the door closed behind him, Tony took a deep breath, and then another, and tried to ignore that next to him, there still lingered odeur de thunder god.

* * *

'Tony!'

No!

Tony groaned to himself.

Ever since he'd left the hospital, Thor had been constantly on his case, following him around _everywhere_. It was driving Tony crazy, because it is really, really hard to avoid someone who follows you around.

'Busy right now!' Tony shouted back, when it became obvious that the dolt wasn't going to go away.

'Sir,' Jarvis nagged, 'Mr Odinsson is only showing concern for your welfare.'

'Yeah, well. I don't want his concern.'

'He is your friend.'

'I don't have any friends. Just a PA and co-workers.'

'I will never understand why you feel the need to fight against what is good for you.'

'Probably because you're just a load of circuits and math.'

It's most likely a good thing that Jarvis couldn't really get offended. Anyone else (except maybe Bruce) would've knocked him out for that.

Jarvis actually sighed, like a human that breathes can do. Creepy, but. Yeah.

'Unlocking the door now, sir.'

'No! Dammit!'

The door opened, and Thor came in.

'Tony,' he said by way of greeting.

'What do you want?'

'I,' he seemed puzzled by Tony's sudden hostility. 'I wondered whether you were well.'

'I was well yesterday. Why wouldn't I be today?'

Thor didn't have an answer to that, so he only shrugged- but in the exact manner Tony always did, which just made him angrier.

'Why do you have to do that?' he suddenly demanded.

'What do you mean?'

'THAT. You... you harass me worse than Steve. You've been following me like a big, stupid puppy. What do you want?'

'Want?' Thor now looked supremely confused. 'Tony, I don't want anything from you. We are friends, brothers-in-arms. Why should I not care about your health? Why should I not seek your companionship without an ulterior motive?'

Well. Well.

Tony didn't have a good answer for that.

'Just- just go away. Just get out of here. Leave me alone.'

Thor looked at him a little sadly, but, with a nod of acquiescence, turned to leave.

After he was gone, Tony kicked the side of his couch, just to try to get the edge of his frustration.

'The couch didn't do anything wrong,' came Jarvis's lilting rebuke.

'Shut up. Just... shut up.' He suddenly felt tired, too tired to do anything beyond flopping onto the abused couch and smothering his face in the cushions.

Why was this his life?

He would have liked to be able to ask 'why do I deserve this?' but he knew that he, well, kind of did, a little. Karma for being a womanizer or a jerk or an alcoholic or something? (Take your pick, he's got more.)

In the end, Tony decided that he just didn't want to know.

* * *

Things between Tony and Thor were noticeably strained after that.

Thor wasn't angry, which was only more frustrating to Tony. Anger he could deal with. Anger was easy.

But instead he would smile at him as always, and though he didn't talk to him as often, or seek him out as before, he didn't ignore or avoid Tony either.

Tony tried to grit his teeth and bear it. He knew, ok, he really did know, that Thor hadn't actually done anything wrong. That it was _Tony_ who was the problem here, and that he was being totally unfair and childish and pig-headed.

But he couldn't help it- well, ok, genius- yeah he _could_, but then maybe he didn't want to. Maybe he wanted to take the easy way out, and be irrationally angry at Thor, instead of doing the grown-up-thing or whatever.

So? So what? It's Tony's business how Tony deals with things.

Or at least, it was, until it became everyone else's business.

Being distracted, frustrated, and distant is not actually good when you're working with a team.

It's not the best when you work alone, either, but it's much worse when you're with others.

He nearly got himself killed (again) and Thor almost got killed trying to help him (again) and when Clint went to help them both, a nasty blow caused one of his hearing aids to be smashed _right inside his ear_ and he needed surgery to get it out, and Tony was sure that Natasha was going to murder him in his sleep.

And then after that, Tony hadn't been exactly... grateful to Thor. The big guy evidently didn't care and brushed it off, but Steve found the situation to be offensive to his sensibilities, and nagged Bruce to talk to Tony and find out what was up.

Oh sure, Steve would've done it himself- he and Tony _were_ friends, much as Tony sometimes denied it. But it was Bruce whom Tony loved like a dorky younger brother, and Bruce who could get away with saying things to Tony which no one else could- at least not without getting a size 10 foot up their ass.

So one afternoon, while he was still recovering and therefore not allowed to do anything besides watch TV or wander around in abject boredom, Tony ambled into the lab where Bruce was doing science.

'Hey, Bruce,' Tony called. 'Entertain me.'

'Tony,' Bruce said with his mildly scolding look and a bit of a smile. 'I'm working, and you should be resting.'

'I'm bored of resting. I should _really_ be working on some new plans.'

'You can work when your injuries heal. You almost died, you know,' he added, in a gentler voice.

'And yet I'm still here!'

'Tony.'

'Bruce.'

Bruce sighed and looked back to his algorithms for a few moments.

'Tony?'

'That's my name, don't wear it out.'

'I'm worried about you.'

Bruce had this way of saying things Tony didn't like in such a way that he couldn't actually get angry, much as he may have wanted to.

'I'm fine,' he tried to brush it off, but Bruce's expression was one of tranquil concern.

'Is everything all right?'

'Pretty sure I just told you that.'

'You know what I'm talking about. What's going on with you and Thor? Three weeks ago you were playing card games together. Now you won't even look at him, after he helped save your life.'

'Hey, a lot can happen in three weeks.'

'Don't bullshit me, Tony. Bullshit anyone but me.'

Well, if Bruce said 'bullshit' twice in one reprimand, Tony supposed it was too serious for anything but the truth.

'Nothing happened. Bruce, it's nothing. It doesn't even have anything to do with him. It's me. I'm just... I'm just weird right now. But I'll be fine.'

Bruce looked at him sadly. 'Are you sure?' He reached out to gently lay a hand on Tony's shoulder, which was very nearly shrugged off, because Tony was not liking the situation at hand and being grabbed at really didn't help.

'I'm sure, Bruce.' And Tony was sure. He was sure that it was completely him that was the problem. But he wasn't sure how to fix it- or that he even wanted to.

Well, ok. Maybe he did, a little. But it wouldn't be worth it- why would it even be worth it. This wasn't the way Tony Stark did things.

Tony Stark womanized and partied. He had whatever girls he wanted, and then shooed them off the next morning, and that was the way he liked it. No strings attached, no feelings involved, just sex and fun in the moment.

Tony Stark did not do men. He did not do Norse gods of thunder.

And he certainly, definitely, absolutely did NOT do love.

* * *

Maybe, Tony had to admit to himself, maybe he did kind of have a problem. And maybe that problem was deeper than just a potential sexuality crisis or ethical worries about working on the same team as a lover.

Maybe it had more to do with certain…issues.

Not that they were _serious_ issues. Like, he just.

Ok. He didn't want to whine. He really didn't. Seriously, it would be so dramatic and clichéd and stupid. So you better not tell anyone.

Truth was, Tony sometimes felt really, really alone.

Like, _desolate_.

Ok, he knew he _did_ have friends, even if he didn't acknowledge it out loud. But.

Oh, all right! We'll go there!

His parents. He missed them. They were dead and he missed them.

There. There you go. Shake your head all you want.

And his father… his father hadn't been perfect. But he _was_ his dad, and Tony missed having him around. And his mother- his mother who he'd always got along really well with, with whom he shared a sense of humour, and taste in food, and dark hair and eyes—he probably missed her _more_, even if it's bad to admit it. Don't speak ill of the dead, and all that. It was pretty lonely, you know, to have no parents, and no brothers or sisters. He had his robots, which was definitely a big help. And then Rhodey, who was a gem- really, really great. Pepper's general awesomeness was also great, and of course, Happy, too.

And yet.

And yet, it still always seemed to Tony that when he got attached to someone, like really, _really_ attached to someone, they would just… go and leave him.

They just left him, even though he had left himself open _for them_. He may as well have opened his shirt, marked the spot over his heart with surgical marker, handed over an AK-47 and said, 'Have at it', because that's a pretty good approximation of how it had felt.

Time does _not_ heal wounds. It doesn't heal anything at all. That's a myth which Tony has personally debunked.

What's the point of putting yourself right in the line of fire for no reason? That's—illogical, ridiculous, stupid. Really, _really_ stupid.

So he chose the more logical route. One-night stands! Being a playboy was totally fun and fed his ego well.

But then.

But then this big, dumb, stupid, handsome, funny, smart, wonderful Thor had to show up and wreck everything.

Now everything was shit for Tony, because that big dummy had to come in, with his loud laugh, and gorgeous smile, and bottomless heart, and make Tony love him.

Tony didn't want to love him. He didn't want to have to go through all that stupid drama and shit since there would be no payoff in the end. Not again. Never, ever again.

And anyway, Thor was so weird! 'No ulterior motives'? Who _does_ that?

Where did he get off, caring about Tony's welfare, and sitting next to his hospital bed, and trying to save his life all the time, and playing solitaire with him?

Seriously. The dude needed to learn, like, boundaries or something. You don't grope people on the subway, and you don't make Tony Stark fall in love with you.

And worse!

Worse, Thor didn't even seem to get what he was doing wrong!

Either the guy was really thick-headed, or he just didn't care, because he was not doing what he should do.

When Tony tried to push him away, he should not politely back off a bit, but then still be friendly and smile later. He should get angry, and then they could have it out, or he should get upset and avoid Tony. It's not hard.

Tony didn't want the loving patience, the sweet smiles, the _tender_ looks, the _kind_ words.

Well, ok, he did _want_ it, but he didn't _want_ to want it.

He didn't want to want Thor, to want to touch that hair or be held in those arms. That was stupid—weird—crazy!

Tony was crazy, but not _that_ crazy!

…Right?

* * *

Of all the rotten luck in the world.

Like, really. Come on, universe. Couldn't a guy just get a break?

If Tony had to be left alone for an extended period of time with anyone, why, oh why, would the universe stick him with Thor? That was just cruel.

Everyone else was conveniently out, except for Thor, who had conveniently decided to stay home, and conveniently walked into the exact room where Tony was conveniently sitting and not-watching TV.

Stupid Thor and his stupid obliviousness.

'Good evening,' he said to Tony, smiling.

'Hi.'

'All is well with you?'

'Yup.'

Tony hoped that by giving curt answers, Thor would be discouraged from talking to him.

'I am glad to hear it.'

They sat awkwardly in silence for nearly fifteen minutes. The tension was kind of unbearable, and apparently it was worse for Thor, because he finally cracked and asked,

'Tony, why are you angry with me?'

'I'm not.'

Although he didn't actually _say _it, the look on Thor's face clearly conveyed 'Just how stupid do you think I am?'

'Look, I'm not angry at you, ok? I'm just—frustrated. More with myself, really,' though Tony hadn't actually meant to say that last bit out loud.

'But… why?'

'Because! I don't know. I just. I don't know, ok?'

Thor stared at him, head tilted to the side, brow furrowed, like a stupid, confused, adorable child. 'I don't understand you, Tony.'

'Well, _I_ don't understand _you_! You just—you just traipse on in here and—you just ruin everything!'

'Ruin? What ruin have I caused? I will make amends,' he insisted chivalrously.

'No! Don't—don't _do_ that! Don't be all _nice _to me! I don't even know what to do with you!'

'Do? What are you—'

'Ugh!' Tony grabbed at his hair in aggravation. 'You always do that! You're all _nice_ to me, and _understanding_, and _kind_, and you're driving me crazy! You keep making me like you, and I don't want to!'

If Thor was offended, he was too bewildered to show it. But that bewildered face just pushed Tony over the edge.

'Are you stupid? Don't you get it? I love you, you bastard! But I don't _want _to!'

Realising, to his horror, that he'd said that out loud, Tony turned to bolt, but stupid Thor's well-muscled arms caught him.

'Tony,' he said gently, too gently for Tony's liking, 'Please wait.'

Tony turned to look at him. Thor leaned down and pressed his forehead against Tony's, as though he could telepathically transmit his understanding to Tony's brain. In so doing, a lock of his blond hair fell forward, tickling Tony's face. Without thinking, Tony reached up to tuck it back behind Thor's ear.

Oh god. He was sunk.

Thor knew it, too, the bastard, and was smiling. He pulled Tony into a proper hug then, and leaned his cheek against the top of Tony's head (obviously using his unfair height to equally unfair advantages). Tony couldn't help hugging back. It wasn't his fault; it was his stupid arms which clearly had minds of their own. They just wrapped themselves around Thor without Tony's permission. And also Thor was totally warm and smelled kind of nice, so Tony's face didn't actually mind being tucked there against Thor's collar-bones, even if his brain was throwing fits.

'I love you, Tony. I would gladly injure _myself_ before letting any harm come to you. I understand that you have some difficulties, but so do we all. I care for you too deeply to allow _that_ to frighten me away.'

'Yeah, well.' Tony's throat felt uncomfortably tight. 'Tell me something I haven't heard before. Everyone says pretty words at the start. But no one ever sticks around.'

'Oh,' Thor said, and the word was full of evil, disgusting _sympathy_. 'You have been wronged.'

'No shit, Sherlock.'

'I will not wrong you. You _must_ know that I will not.'

'That's nice to say, pal, but you don't know what's gonna happen later. You—you can't just make promises like that.'

'Will you not allow me to try?'

Thor looked at him earnestly. There was nothing in those crystalline eyes but concern and sincerity and (_ugh_) love.

It was too much for Tony. He was exhausted emotionally and had been for a while, and no matter how much it irritated him, he'd been worn down by the sweetness of this ridiculous, stupid man.

'Fine! Fine. Just,' Tony tried to sound threatening, 'Don't fuck this up, big guy. Or else… or else Bruce will totally kill you. You know? He totally will.'

Thor beamed radiantly. 'I will not disappoint you. I swear to protect you.'

'Yeah, yeah, whatever,' Tony turned, face flaming, to look at his suddenly very interesting shoes.

Stupid Thor laughed at him—laughed at him!

'What the hell, man?'

'I believe it was you who told me that friends "laugh their asses" at one another.'

'Laugh their asses _off,_ big guy. Laugh them _off_.'

'Ah—yes, that's it. And we are friends.'

'Yeah. We are. Heh, well, _more_ than friends now, I guess.'

'Yes,' Thor finally let him go. 'I ought to court you properly. The custom here is to give flowers to one's lover, isn't it?'

'What! No! No—no, just—uh, you don't have to court me, dude. At all. You win, ok? I formally admit defeat.'

'I don't wish to defeat you, Tony,' Thor laughed, 'Only to convince you that my feelings are true.'

'Ok, well, then. Job well done.' Tony awkwardly patted Thor's chest. 'Good going. Wanna catch a flick later?'

'I will escort you to dinner.'

'Sure, sure.' He slipped his arm through Thor's. 'Uhm, don't mention this to the others, 'kay? 'Cause, I mean, they'll figure it out eventually, duh, but they don't need to know about, um. _Everything_. Right?'

'Of course. Only Captain America knows of my intentions. He came to me because he noticed that you were not your usual self, and asked what I had done to you.'

'Aw, what? I'm gonna kick Steve's ass!'

Thor laughed that stupid, loud, merry laugh. 'I believe this is where I offer to hold him, while you punch?'

Tony looked over Thor appraisingly.

'Hm! He can be taught! Thor, I think this is the beginning of something beautiful.'

And it was.


End file.
